I remember last July 24, it was a Tuesday afternoon. We have gathered all our courage to walk into the chapel. Faced down, we silently walked and listened to the deafening silence. Me and my friend took a seat at the front row.

“Why is it taking so long?” I murmured as I sneak into the slightly opened door in front. Yes, someone was confessing inside. I am second in line, next to my friend, and aside from the soft murmurs, we were all silent. 

Time was slow, but I patiently waited. 

And there.. My friend had gone out the door in front of me, faced down, hands together, and walked directly to one of the pews, knelt down and pray.

“Okay, my turn.” I said to myself. “Relax.”

I entered the door and saw this man. A priest. He was smiling. And I sat on the chair in front of him. “Bless me father, for I have sinned..” As I continue to speak, this man, without any complain, listened. After I have said all that should be said, he asked me a question.. The question I’m afraid to answer all my life, because there’s just too many jumbled explanations, and I don’t know where to begin. “Why do you hate so much?” he asked. 

I removed all the fear in my soul and answered the question. I cannot believe I’ve said it. And I have explained it well. I don’t know what exactly happened but I found myself crying. I don’t know why.

This man, with concern in his eyes, talked to me. He spoke as if he knew me, and in that moment, all felt calm. That there is nothing in this world that could hurt me, in that very room, in that very chapel.

And then I’m done. I walked out of the door, emotional, weak, but in some way, free. 

As I walked out of the chapel, I cannot hold myself together, I needed a place to vent. 

It was a cold Tuesday afternoon, with trees, and green grass. The place was beautiful. But for some reason, I needed a closed room. After the confession I went straight to our room, and I took my towel out from the closet.. “Whatever, I’m going to take a bath.”, and as I let the warm water fall through my hair down to my feet, I felt cleansed. Cleansed from all the possible dirt in the world.

I almost did not want to go out of that bathroom. I just wanted to be alone, to think, and to just let all the problems go away. To let the water massage my hair, and various songs would just randomly play inside my head. Maybe something from The Smiths, or Lykke Li, or from my mother’s lullaby.

I don’t know exactly what happened to me that afternoon. I just felt so tired and I needed rest. A rest from everything. I poured my emotions, my hardships, my troubles all at once at that specific room in the chapel, and at that moment I just needed some rest. 

And I got out of the bathroom, all dressed, and said to myself, “Okay dear, back to life.”

Posted 9 months ago with 2 notes
Tags: thoughts  blog  july 24  

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