I’ve spent the last few hours distracting myself, every little thing, whatever comes into my mind, just to get it off you. Just to let your thought out of my head. However, those things were temporary and right now I’m about to sleep and I can’t stop thinking about you.
A few minutes from now, just when I finished typing this, I will be staring at my phone for hours, hoping that you would pop into my inbox. Hoping that you would have a message for me. And I would be disappointed to see the time, 5o’clock in the morning, and no sign of you. As ambitious as I can be I hope to see your name on my messages first thing in the morning. But just when I’m about to sleep, I pray that I would have to see you in my dreams. For in dreams I can only love you, and have the power for you to love me back. As amazing as it sounds, it breaks my heart to wake up, see my messages and still, no sign of you.
Devastated, I will again spend the whole day distracting myself. Finding something to take my mind off you. Then, when the day is about to end, everything will happen again. The thought of you haunts me and it scares me. But I can’t help it. It’s like everything I do, even if I distract myself, there is something about you that keeps me like this.
I don’t know what to do, I’m losing it. I’m trapped. Please, get out of my head.
So this is what it feels like when you’ve finally realized that you love someone you did not even expect to love in the first place. The feeling of losing a battle not knowing you’re in. Questioning yourself why and how. You ask even though you know all the answers, yet you deny them. You deny them because you’re scared, you’re scared because your love cannot force the other to love you back. Your feelings are to be kept, because releasing them will make you weak, and you fear they might destroy you.
And the sad thing about all of it is knowing that the other can’t ever love you, because he is feeling the same way with someone. He is fighting the same battle, but with a different ground.
My sadness turned me into this productive young lady. Yes.
So I was so depressed and frustrated earlier this morning because of reasons and I can’t think of anything to do. Normally I would just go out and go see my friends but this day was different. I was so sad that I didn’t have the energy to do anything. All I wanted to do was to just think of ways to die or post something depressing on twitter. LOL. My friend even messaged me on Facebook and I did not even make an effort to reply properly. (I’m so sorry, Tina)
Anyway, just this afternoon, I thought, “I should make something. I should do something productive.” So I browsed on different design inspirations and started on this ‘small project’ I’ve been planning to do since last week. And it took my mind off things. Then, for an odd moment, everything just happened to be okay. I almost believed in the saying “Smile and the whole world will smile with you.”
So I finished my little project and started on self-branding. I’ve been squeezing the ideas out of my mind just to create a good, kick-ass, logo. BUT I JUST CAN’T. Although I am pretty happy with what I was able to develop. (Well, it was my idea for quite some time but I ‘improved’ it) Self-branding is really hard ugh since the person I am branding is myself and I don’t even understand myself. It’s like there are so many things I would like to consider but then I’d decide not to continue them then I’d go back to zero.
Anyway, I finished it (?) I think I finished it. Well if there are updates or improvements I can always edit it.
And uhm, just a while ago, I had this long and lovely conversation with my friend. I miss being able to rant and tell stories about random stuff. And she helped me through a lot. You see, this is what I like about talking to friends, you are able to share with them any-fucking-thing under the sun. And I was able to tell her things that I am worried about. My new-chapter-anxieties. And she, effortlessly, helped me through it. Without even knowing it. HAHA. (Thank you, Alyssa!)
Well anyway, since I’ve been productive this day I will have to be productive tomorrow as well. I want to keep myself busy as possible.
Sabi nga ni Sir Leo, “WORK! WORK! WORK!”
Sonder
I think about this every time, especially when I go home by myself. Or when I’m at the backseat of a car on late-night trips.
—
There’s this time when I was riding a jeep to Vito Cruz and saw this guy. He’s sad, he was sitting at the backseat of a car, and since it’s already 8 in the evening on a weekday, the traffic was quite bad. He’s sad, and judging from his look it seems like he has this really huge problem that he cannot solve.
And that moment hit me. Hard.
Well, don’t get me wrong. Like a normal person OF COURSE I think about this stuff, but from that moment, the thought of this “Sonder” kicked in.
That there a lot of people in the world, and they’re all living their own lives. Different problems, stories and experiences.
So I was staring at him, (kind of weird, huh. i was a bit drunk that night) and I just kept on thinking what’s his thoughts were. Like maybe he and his girlfriend broke up, or maybe when he gets home he’d already be happy. Or wait, where is he heading? Home? To a friend’s house? Is he planning on getting drunk too? His thoughts, his thoughts. I sometimes wonder, if Jean Grey’s mutation exists, how does one able to comprehend each and every thought in the world?
Like, look around you. When you’re on your way home, those people waiting on sheds, hailing a cab, or just simply drinking a sago-gulaman or buying isaw & barbecue by the sidewalk. Them and their lives. Their sons and daughters, their siblings, their parents, their job, where are they heading? Home? Is there something they have to finish before going to sleep?
Who knows, maybe one of the thousands of people you see everyday, maybe one or two of them is going to be your friend, or your husband/wife someday.
It’s so complex. And it’s beautiful.
The almost sad truth
May 13 2013
People (well, including me) have been constantly whining about the unofficial list of Senators for this year’s election. We hope for change, we vote, thinking that it would make a difference. We vote for the betterment of our country.
But seeing the unofficial list, (it may be unofficial but it’s kind of sad) we question the whole election itself. What happened? Who voted for who? We tend to blame it all on each other, thinking that some are such pathetic imbeciles for letting someone buy their vote. Or just plain imbeciles because they voluntarily voted for someone unworthy. But the thing is, that MAY be true, but there’s just so many factors of why this whole election-counting-of-votes thing is such a mess.
Can’t you see? The sad truth is we can’t do anything about it. People cheat. In this world there may be a lot of good and righteous people, but there will always be someone who’s not. What do you expect from a country when a simple instruction of “please fall in line” before you enter the precinct can’t be followed?
The Almost Sad Truth. ‘Almost’ because it may be sad for some of us, but it’s just plain “I don’t care.” for some.
But on the bright side, there’s still hope. We still long for the worthy candidates to enter the list. There’s hope because there are still people who will let the Good win over the Bad. There may be 8 out of 10 people who cheat, but we live for the remaining 2. We hope.
Once you find the person who makes you smile every moment of every day, who makes you coffee every morning just to remind you that there will be a good day ahead of you, who hugs you when you’re having a terrible day, who embraces your flaws and loves you for it, whose eyes are meant to stare at you and admire what he sees, who clings and trusts you that you will always come back, and most especially, the person who will show and introduce you to the world and will make you love it. The person who will make you realize that life is beautiful.
If you find that person, dear,
don’t. ever. let. him go.
Blogged: White flag
We just have so much memories together and I do not want them to remain memories. I want it to be a continuous bond that whenever we look back at it, it would be beautiful, and much more beautiful when we look back at it together. I’m scared that if we continue holding on to this grudge, we’d never be able to look back at the old photos with smiles on our faces.
And I realized, just now, (thanks for facebook’s See Friendship feature) I can still sense that happiness inside me whenever I see our pictures and read our conversations. It’s positive over negative. It’s good over bad. It’s friendship over issues. And I just, I just miss you.
Now I don’t know if you’re still willing to be friends with me, or if you can still manage to be with me because of what I did, (and I don’t even know if you believe what I’m saying right now) but always know that I will always be here for you, even if you don’t really need me anymore, I will. And I will always remember that we were friends, even for a short time, we were there for each other, and no issue can ever really beat that.
I’m so sorry for everything (especially for being so stupid) and thanks for understanding even though I do not deserve to be understood.
It’s been a great ride :)
We’ll just have to make new memories
So I was looking at my graduation photo from kindergarten and I realized how much I’ve changed. I was looking at it thinking “This girl, who would’ve thought she’d be this stubborn, this crazy, and enthusiastic at the same time?”
I’ve imagined my parents, and how they saw me when I was in kindergarten, and I wonder how they see me now.
My dad always say when he wakes me up in the morning “Grabe dati kalahati ka lang ng kama! Ngayon ang laki mo na.” I don’t know if that’s just his way to welcome me through the day but I always smile whenever he tells me that. Also, whenever he’s going to drop me off at school, (yep, in college, when i have to pay the tuition fee and i’ve got money on me i will always ask him to drop me off because i don’t want to take the bus/lrt with a big amount of money haha im scared) he’d say, “Nung sinusundo kita sa St. Paul noon, ang liliit niyo pa tapos nakapila pa kayo, isang linya. Ngayon wala nang pila-pila, ang gugulo niyo na.” Then we’d laugh, and I would kiss him goodbye.
Where is that kid? That kid who falls in line properly, the kid who always cry whenever her parents leave? That innocent, big-eyed kid? Where is she?
Well, as much as I want to keep the things that mean/t to me, I can’t seem to keep them all. I am not organized. I will place some stuff on a specific place and I would remember that I had it placed there, but when the furnitures are rearranged, I cannot anymore find the stuff that I have once placed in a specific corner. And it kills me to remember, the 50 colored pens my dad gave me, the cute little notebook he gave me for my birthday, my photo album, (damn my photo album T_T) — i can’t find them! And it breaks my heart. I have searched for them in years, especially that photo album, and I can’t find it anywhere. To the point that I thought my head is going to explode, and I kept crying all night because that album brings back too many memories, and I’ve lost it.
The thing is, as much as I want to keep that innocent kid in me, I can’t. And just now I thought, looking at this kindergarten picture, am I happy of what I have become? Well, it might take more years for me to answer but right now, I guess all I have to do is to make new memories.
What is important is what I’m going to be, and how I’m going to get there. And how I’m going to recall and share all of those experiences. I realized that there are much more important things than 50 colored pens, or a cute notebook. It is the moments you share with your family and friends, and the memories you gave them. Photos are temporary, but a memory is forever.. Until you want it forgotten.
WONDERWALL
(photos from new year’s eve dec 31 2012 - jan 1 2013)
Ang pinakagusto ko sa nilakihan ko, kahit sobrang daming tsismoso’t tsismosa, ay ang mga nanay na nagpanganak ng mga anak nila, dito pinalaki, at ngayo’y kaibigan ko na.
Hindi ko na matandaan kung ilang taon ako nung nakilala ko tong mga to. Wala ata akong ala-ala na hindi ko pa sila kilala. Basta parang nung bata ako, kilala ko na yung ilan sakanila. Kalaro, kaaway, kababata.
Dami kong naririnig na kwento sa ibang mga kaibigan ko na yung mga kalaro daw nila nung bata sila, hindi na sila pinapansin ngayon. Ako, nasasagot ko lang sa sinasabi nila, “weh?!” yung para bang nabibigla pa ako. Hindi kasi ako sanay ng ganun. Kasi itong mga to, kalaro ko pa yan simula nung bata. Naaalala ko pa yung isa sa kanila e laging lumalabas ng bahay ng naka-sando’t panty lang. HAHAHA at kung sino ang pinaka-iyakin.
Pero siyempre hindi naman lahat yan kababata ko. Yung iba jan nakilala ko nung highschool, nung nag-aaral pa lang ako mag gitara, mga taga ibang street kasi sila. (ewanko sguro nadaanan na namin sila nung nagba-bike kami nung bata pero hindi namin sila pinansin) Kakatuwa nga e. Pag maglalakad-lakad kami sa mga street dito, laging may kakilala. Magkakaedad kasi kami. Pinagtagpo-tagpo. — Ex ni ganyan, boyfriend/girlfriend ni ganto, kabanda ni ganyan, tropa ni ganto. — Tapos ayun, makkitambay sa’min hanggang sa padami kami ng padami. Pero siyempre may mga nawawala rin. Di naman maiiwasan un e. Pero bumibisita pa rin naman sila.
Nakakatuwa lang kasi, ibang iba siguro yung buhay ko, lalong lalo na pag summer, kung wala tong mga to. Parang may kulang. Para bang kulang yung bakasyon pag hindi ako tumatambay. O pag di ako tumatawa ng malakas tas sisitahin kami ng kapitbahay namin.
Problema? Nako! Hindi mo na kailangang magsabi ng problema sa mga to. Pag may problema ka kahit hindi mo ikwento patatawanin at patatawanin ka talaga nila. Hindi sila clown. Sadyang ganun lang talaga. Sabi nga ng iba magkakapalit-palit na daw kami ng muka kasi lagi kami magkakasama.
Walang buhay yung street namin pag wala kami. HAHAHAHAHA SERYOSO. Sa ingay ba naman namin e. May mga pagkakataon pa nga na tmawag ng barangay ung isa sa mga kapitbahay namin kasi ang ingay namin maglaro ng baraha. Hindi ko naman pinagmamayabang na maingay kami, pero yung saya ba. Yung “uy naalala mo yung na-barangay tayo? HAHAHA!” yung mga ganun.
Hindi ako nakakasigurado kung tatagal ba kaming magkakaibigan. 17 yrs ko na ata silang kilala, kung madadagdagan pa ba yung mga taon na yon o hindi na. Pero ito masasabi ko, sobrang laki ng parte nila sakin. Sobrang blessing kasi alam ko minsanan lang magkaron ng samahan ng tumatagal na ganto katagal. Kaya sobrang pasasalamat ko. Alam mo yon, wala man ako sa mamahaling bahay/village, pero biniyayaan naman ako ng mga kumag na to.
Ayun lang naman, wala lang. Kauuwi ko lang kasi galing sa bahay ng isa sakanila. Tawa na naman ako nang tawa kaya naisipan kong magsulat ng tungkol sa kanila. Kung idedetalye ko sguro kung pano kami lumaki at kung gano kami kasaya, sobrang haba sguro ng aabutin.
Laking pasasalamat ko talaga sa mga to! Simula bata, hanggang ngayon, walang pinagbago. Hahaha, mahal ko kayo guys kahit di niyo mabasa ‘to :)
I distance myself not because I dislike you, but because I do not want myself to get mad at you. I do not want myself to have a reason to hate you. Forgive me for being too selfish, but that’s just my thing to solve it. I can’t stay mad at people I love. I just can’t. But I can avoid them to lessen disappointments. Sorry but that’s just me.
