My sadness turned me into this productive young lady. Yes.
So I was so depressed and frustrated earlier this morning because of reasons and I can’t think of anything to do. Normally I would just go out and go see my friends but this day was different. I was so sad that I didn’t have the energy to do anything. All I wanted to do was to just think of ways to die or post something depressing on twitter. LOL. My friend even messaged me on Facebook and I did not even make an effort to reply properly. (I’m so sorry, Tina)
Anyway, just this afternoon, I thought, “I should make something. I should do something productive.” So I browsed on different design inspirations and started on this ‘small project’ I’ve been planning to do since last week. And it took my mind off things. Then, for an odd moment, everything just happened to be okay. I almost believed in the saying “Smile and the whole world will smile with you.”
So I finished my little project and started on self-branding. I’ve been squeezing the ideas out of my mind just to create a good, kick-ass, logo. BUT I JUST CAN’T. Although I am pretty happy with what I was able to develop. (Well, it was my idea for quite some time but I ‘improved’ it) Self-branding is really hard ugh since the person I am branding is myself and I don’t even understand myself. It’s like there are so many things I would like to consider but then I’d decide not to continue them then I’d go back to zero.
Anyway, I finished it (?) I think I finished it. Well if there are updates or improvements I can always edit it.
And uhm, just a while ago, I had this long and lovely conversation with my friend. I miss being able to rant and tell stories about random stuff. And she helped me through a lot. You see, this is what I like about talking to friends, you are able to share with them any-fucking-thing under the sun. And I was able to tell her things that I am worried about. My new-chapter-anxieties. And she, effortlessly, helped me through it. Without even knowing it. HAHA. (Thank you, Alyssa!)
Well anyway, since I’ve been productive this day I will have to be productive tomorrow as well. I want to keep myself busy as possible.
Sabi nga ni Sir Leo, “WORK! WORK! WORK!”
Tuesday
For the past few nights I’ve been listening to Silent Sanctuary, and thought of searching for the chords of their song “Kundiman” and play it annoyingly loud in my room. With my eyes closed, of course. (yehes naman)
And then just this afternoon, I thought of going back to the opm songs of early 2000s, and just you know, be with the moment. Play it loud and proud. Thank you, Youtube, for your ‘related videos’ feature.
I cannot even describe how much I love OPM. I don’t know exactly what genre, but I am just so proud of pinoy bands. I love how they create lyrics straight from their hearts. English or Tagalog, it’s still music. From mainstream to indie, they amaze the fuck out of me.
Anyway, here’s a list of songs for my afternoon. Just in case you want to listen to them, or you just want to reminisce how good MYX’s Daily Top 10 and Highschool days were. :)
Ikaw Lamang - Silent Sanctuary
Beer - Itchyworms
Love Team - Itchyworms
Kwarto - Sugarfree
Hari Ng Sablay - Sugarfree
Bakit Part 2 - Mayonnaise
KAI - Maryzark
4 2 - Maryzark
Will You Ever Learn - Typecast
The Boston Drama - Typecast
Chicosci Vampire Social Club - Chicosci
Last Look - Chicosci
7 Black Roses - Chicosci
Tensionado - Stonefree
Anghel - Stonefree
Pwede Ba - Soapdish
Define - Hilera
Sunburn - Sandwich
Sundo - Imago
Nobela - Join The Club
Dear Kuya - Sugarfree
Stormy Night - Pedicab
Gusto Ko Lamang Sa Buhay Ay - Itchyworms
Heaven Knows - Orange and Lemons
Hanggang Kailan - Orange and Lemons
Pick up that guitar and play.
Have a great rainy afternoon.
First of May
So I woke up this morning thinking it would be a great day since it’s just going to be me and my mom for the whole day. Things have been rough for the past days because of things. And I would really love it just to have some quality time with my mom on labor day. Unfortunately, I slept at 7 in the morning, woke up at 10, and my stomach hurts so bad. Drinking tea hasn’t been good for me. And I’ve spent some ‘quality time’ with the toilet from hour to hour. Anyway, I woke up and my dad’s here. Great. I never should’ve expected things, right. So I decided to just go back to sleep and ignore the day. I woke up at 2 in the afternoon and my mom said we’d go to Baclaran to buy stuff, so I thought that would be nice because I’m thinking I would buy some hair dye and things. But just when I was about to get ready, my mom said we’re not going anymore. So uugh. She said she and dad have to go to my grandma’s place to drop off some stuff. I didn’t have the energy to deal with disappointments so I just went back to sleep. I woke at 9pm, yup, just this 9pm. And the day is about to end. Didn’t hang with my friends and just stayed at home. With Royal Concept on my playlist. So basically my first of May is about sleeping. No worries though, I had a pretty nice dream.
15 Your worst dream
I had this dream when I was a kid. I don’t know if it’s the worst dream I’ve ever had or I was just too young back then. But it frightened me and I couldn’t sleep for days.
Anyway, in my dream, I was sleeping, and I heard a noise from my parents’ room, like someone is scratching or scraping wood. I stood up to check on it, I saw the door of my parents’ room slightly open. And as I peek, I saw this tiyanak eating my parents’ flesh, and my parents were both dead. I panicked and I accidentally closed the slightly opened door, and the tiyanak heard me. I went back to my room and this terrifying monster followed me. When he/she/it was about 5 inches from my bed, I woke up.
I woke up and it was around 3:30 in the morning.
We’ll just have to make new memories
So I was looking at my graduation photo from kindergarten and I realized how much I’ve changed. I was looking at it thinking “This girl, who would’ve thought she’d be this stubborn, this crazy, and enthusiastic at the same time?”
I’ve imagined my parents, and how they saw me when I was in kindergarten, and I wonder how they see me now.
My dad always say when he wakes me up in the morning “Grabe dati kalahati ka lang ng kama! Ngayon ang laki mo na.” I don’t know if that’s just his way to welcome me through the day but I always smile whenever he tells me that. Also, whenever he’s going to drop me off at school, (yep, in college, when i have to pay the tuition fee and i’ve got money on me i will always ask him to drop me off because i don’t want to take the bus/lrt with a big amount of money haha im scared) he’d say, “Nung sinusundo kita sa St. Paul noon, ang liliit niyo pa tapos nakapila pa kayo, isang linya. Ngayon wala nang pila-pila, ang gugulo niyo na.” Then we’d laugh, and I would kiss him goodbye.
Where is that kid? That kid who falls in line properly, the kid who always cry whenever her parents leave? That innocent, big-eyed kid? Where is she?
Well, as much as I want to keep the things that mean/t to me, I can’t seem to keep them all. I am not organized. I will place some stuff on a specific place and I would remember that I had it placed there, but when the furnitures are rearranged, I cannot anymore find the stuff that I have once placed in a specific corner. And it kills me to remember, the 50 colored pens my dad gave me, the cute little notebook he gave me for my birthday, my photo album, (damn my photo album T_T) — i can’t find them! And it breaks my heart. I have searched for them in years, especially that photo album, and I can’t find it anywhere. To the point that I thought my head is going to explode, and I kept crying all night because that album brings back too many memories, and I’ve lost it.
The thing is, as much as I want to keep that innocent kid in me, I can’t. And just now I thought, looking at this kindergarten picture, am I happy of what I have become? Well, it might take more years for me to answer but right now, I guess all I have to do is to make new memories.
What is important is what I’m going to be, and how I’m going to get there. And how I’m going to recall and share all of those experiences. I realized that there are much more important things than 50 colored pens, or a cute notebook. It is the moments you share with your family and friends, and the memories you gave them. Photos are temporary, but a memory is forever.. Until you want it forgotten.
14 The meaning behind your tumblr name
So I think I’ve already posted the story of my tumblr name way back, but I’m too lazy to browse every page of my blog to find it so I’m just going to tell it again. Yep, I like typing. Heh.
Anyway, as you all know, Ika is my nickname, that’s what my friends here at home call me. So there’s this computer game, Gunbound, and me and my friends used to play it when we were kids. I always use this armor mobile called ‘Boomer’ and I was really good at it. They said that it was the hardest mobile to use because of the wind, angles, etc., but is the most powerful. So this friend of mine named me Ikaboom because of that. And from that moment on, I changed all my usernames to ikaboom.
What’s so special about it?
Because months after that, that friend of mine died. (they said he killed himself but I doubt it.. because of reasons.)
Well anyway, we sort of drifted apart before he died, but we grew up together. Isa siya sa mga kababata at kalaro namin noon at sabay-sabay kaming lumaki. That’s why not having him around for the next months after the incident is kind of weird.
Like you know, this kid you see almost everyday, who plays Gunbound with you, and the next day you receive a news that he’s dead. It’s depressing.
But the thing is, there are thousands of people who die everyday. And I think, maybe he’ll be happy if he knew that keeping ‘ikaboom’ is my way for him to be alive, and not forgotten.
Plus, I like it a lot.
WONDERWALL
(photos from new year’s eve dec 31 2012 - jan 1 2013)
Ang pinakagusto ko sa nilakihan ko, kahit sobrang daming tsismoso’t tsismosa, ay ang mga nanay na nagpanganak ng mga anak nila, dito pinalaki, at ngayo’y kaibigan ko na.
Hindi ko na matandaan kung ilang taon ako nung nakilala ko tong mga to. Wala ata akong ala-ala na hindi ko pa sila kilala. Basta parang nung bata ako, kilala ko na yung ilan sakanila. Kalaro, kaaway, kababata.
Dami kong naririnig na kwento sa ibang mga kaibigan ko na yung mga kalaro daw nila nung bata sila, hindi na sila pinapansin ngayon. Ako, nasasagot ko lang sa sinasabi nila, “weh?!” yung para bang nabibigla pa ako. Hindi kasi ako sanay ng ganun. Kasi itong mga to, kalaro ko pa yan simula nung bata. Naaalala ko pa yung isa sa kanila e laging lumalabas ng bahay ng naka-sando’t panty lang. HAHAHA at kung sino ang pinaka-iyakin.
Pero siyempre hindi naman lahat yan kababata ko. Yung iba jan nakilala ko nung highschool, nung nag-aaral pa lang ako mag gitara, mga taga ibang street kasi sila. (ewanko sguro nadaanan na namin sila nung nagba-bike kami nung bata pero hindi namin sila pinansin) Kakatuwa nga e. Pag maglalakad-lakad kami sa mga street dito, laging may kakilala. Magkakaedad kasi kami. Pinagtagpo-tagpo. — Ex ni ganyan, boyfriend/girlfriend ni ganto, kabanda ni ganyan, tropa ni ganto. — Tapos ayun, makkitambay sa’min hanggang sa padami kami ng padami. Pero siyempre may mga nawawala rin. Di naman maiiwasan un e. Pero bumibisita pa rin naman sila.
Nakakatuwa lang kasi, ibang iba siguro yung buhay ko, lalong lalo na pag summer, kung wala tong mga to. Parang may kulang. Para bang kulang yung bakasyon pag hindi ako tumatambay. O pag di ako tumatawa ng malakas tas sisitahin kami ng kapitbahay namin.
Problema? Nako! Hindi mo na kailangang magsabi ng problema sa mga to. Pag may problema ka kahit hindi mo ikwento patatawanin at patatawanin ka talaga nila. Hindi sila clown. Sadyang ganun lang talaga. Sabi nga ng iba magkakapalit-palit na daw kami ng muka kasi lagi kami magkakasama.
Walang buhay yung street namin pag wala kami. HAHAHAHAHA SERYOSO. Sa ingay ba naman namin e. May mga pagkakataon pa nga na tmawag ng barangay ung isa sa mga kapitbahay namin kasi ang ingay namin maglaro ng baraha. Hindi ko naman pinagmamayabang na maingay kami, pero yung saya ba. Yung “uy naalala mo yung na-barangay tayo? HAHAHA!” yung mga ganun.
Hindi ako nakakasigurado kung tatagal ba kaming magkakaibigan. 17 yrs ko na ata silang kilala, kung madadagdagan pa ba yung mga taon na yon o hindi na. Pero ito masasabi ko, sobrang laki ng parte nila sakin. Sobrang blessing kasi alam ko minsanan lang magkaron ng samahan ng tumatagal na ganto katagal. Kaya sobrang pasasalamat ko. Alam mo yon, wala man ako sa mamahaling bahay/village, pero biniyayaan naman ako ng mga kumag na to.
Ayun lang naman, wala lang. Kauuwi ko lang kasi galing sa bahay ng isa sakanila. Tawa na naman ako nang tawa kaya naisipan kong magsulat ng tungkol sa kanila. Kung idedetalye ko sguro kung pano kami lumaki at kung gano kami kasaya, sobrang haba sguro ng aabutin.
Laking pasasalamat ko talaga sa mga to! Simula bata, hanggang ngayon, walang pinagbago. Hahaha, mahal ko kayo guys kahit di niyo mabasa ‘to :)
Thesis moments:
I remember about this time last year, i was sitting on a chair inside the photo lab and was waiting for my turn for the thesis proposal. Ate Leigh was there. I was a junior in college, and Ate Leigh’s a senior. While we were having our thesis proposal, she’s already done with her thesis and she’s just waiting for one of the panelists (her adviser) to sign her approval sheet. She asked “individual ba kayo?” We nodded and she said “impyerno buhay niyo! Sinasabi ko sa inyo.” So we were all frightened and well, we got scared. Back then we had no idea what’s going to happen with our theses. We just managed to continue on with the proposal and just be ready for vacation. We got busy with practicum and when senior year started, we weren’t ready.
I remember 1st sem this school year, Ms Happy told us to get our handle designs ready. And of course, to start on planning out our individual theses, research, etc. We also planned on saving money, 150 per week, to lessen our expenses for the exhibit. We even had our arte kolasa lanyards printed by july. I remember shooting for our teaser video,we were in school uniform that day, changed to civilian, then changed back to uniform. I remember how tiring that day was.
I remember the day i told ms happy how i would like my handle design to look like. It was a circle, totally different from the one i developed. I also remember the countdown before mock defense. “14 weeks before mock defense, guys!”
I recall the days when we doubted our theses. When mara changed her topic n times, from street games to the value of pakikisama to equality to gender equality.. and when gray didn’t like her handle and revised it a million times, and aly was supposed to do a campaign for the pnp. And hannah was supposed to do photography, and maikee’s topic was about street food.
I remember the day when i did my very first creative material. I did not delete that file to see how much i’ve improved and oh boy.. It’s nostalgic.
Ngayon ngayon lang binuksan ko yung pinto, kita ko itong mga batang ngtatakbukan mula sa bakuran ng bahay namin. Nahuli ko silang namimitas ng bulaklak sa mga tanim ng nanay ko. Mga tanim na pinaghirapan ng nanay kong diligan gabi-gabi, pipitasin lang ng mga batang namamakod. Na sinasabi nilang wala silang kamuang-muang kasi bata sila. Kung wala silang kamuang-muang, hindi sana sila tumakbo. Ibig sabihin lang naman ng pagtakbo nila eh dahil alam rin nilang mali ang ginagawa nila at baka mahuli sila, kaya sila tumakbo.
Nagbihis ako ng matino-tinong damit. Napuno na ako. May isang araw rin na nahuli ko ang isa sa mga batang yun na nagtapon ng kalat sa bakuran namin. Ano kayang tingin nila sa aming bakuran? Isang malaking basurahan? Iyon kaya ang tinuturo ng magulang nila sa kanila? Naglakad ako papunta kung saan sila naglalaro, ang init init, hindi ba sila hinahanap ng magulang nila’t baka pagpawisan sila? Asan ang ina?
Nakita ko yung dalawang bata. Hinanap ko sa kanila ang magulang nila, sabi ko’y tawagin. Ayaw nila tawagin. Hindi raw sila ang pumasok sa aming bakuran. Kung hindi lang sila bata baka sinabihan ko na sila ng “ULOL? KITANG-KITA KAYA KITA.” Kaso ako ang mas nakakatanda. At mas mabuti nang ang magulang na lang nila ang makausap. Hindi naman nila matawag. Nagsisisihan pa.
Sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na buti meron akong nanay na tinatawag ako pag tanghaling tapat, na matulog muna at wag na muna maglaro, na baka pagpawisan ako. Buti meron akong nanay na pag tinawag ko, anjan. Yung nanay ko na dinidiligan ang mga halaman at inaalagaan ang kapaligiran namin para meron kaming magandang pwesto para malaruan, kaysa sa kalsada. (pero naglaro rin naman ako sa kalsada nung bata ako) Buti na lamang na meron akong nanay na magdidisiplina sa akin na wag basta-basta papasok sa bakuran ng iba ng walang pahintulot ng may ari, at wag magtatapon ng kalat kung saan-saan.
Buti na lang.
Sila kaya, asan ang nanay nila?
What is it for tonight?
So today was just so boring and unproductive. Although I had this great conversation with two of my childhood friends earlier. It’s been a while since we last bonded and actually talked (not laugh). So yes it was a pretty good evening.
The other night though, I had this big fight with my mom. With all the yelling and crying. It was so horrible I texted Hannah because I cannot just cry it all out, I need someone for release so yeah haha, told her my mom screamed “DEMONYO KA!” like literally pointing at me, and Hannah immediately replied
“Nasabi na rin yan ng nanay ko sa’kin dati. (No wonder we’re friends. Hahaha!)..”
and that’s it. I was able to release it, and from that message, I don’t know but for some reason I found comfort. Like it just felt like, Hannah’s there in the room where I’m in and just smiling and telling me to stop crying because it happens to everyone, and that moms are just too tired and stressed out, and I have to understand that.
I was not able to reply to her though because I got a lot of things in my mind. Like should I say sorry to my mom or what. I promised myself not to hurt my mom’s feelings again, if I remember, that was around August. This time, I didn’t do it on purpose, although she got hurt, real bad. I’m so sorry mom. Didn’t mean to sound that way, and I certainly didn’t mean for that to happen. I guess there are just those words and sentences that hurt most when someone you love tells it to you. But then again, there’s always a room for change.
I just hope if my mom would stop yelling then we could have worked it out before we went to sleep, but she didn’t. I don’t blame her though.
But hey, thank goodness we’re okay now. I’ve been praying before I go to sleep that night, and as soon as I woke up, that everything will be okay between us. And they were answered. Mothers are just amazing, you know.
Anyway. Saturday I was supposed to be at Mona’s birthday celebration but I wasn’t able to go because people bailed on me. For a reason I don’t even believe. I’m your friend, I’m not stupid. JUST FUCKING QUIT MAKING EXCUSES OKAY. I hate liars. (I am referring to a certain person, btw.) Anyway, it’s done and we all know it will be a much more complicated story if I continue ti hate that person. It will be an endless cycle and I’m sick and tired of it.
Can’t believe I didn’t do anything on a Saturday night. Like I was supposed to be at Mona’s or at Adhoc, but I ended up doing nothing. Like what the fuck happened?
Said sorry to Mona like a million times, good thing she was too kind to forgive me. Because, if that was me I would not have forgiven my friends for not going to my birthday. Lol.
THANK GOD FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND AN UNDERSTANDING FAMILY.
