I’m starting to really hate people deep down to the core of their being. Been wanting to get this out of my chest for the last few weeks but I’ve kept quiet. People have changed, I really don’t know if I should tell them that but I guess it’s out of my business. I’ve been pretending to be fine for quite some time now and I just don’t know how long I can stay like this. And believe me I really really want things to be better but ugh I just don’t know what to to. Should i tell them? Should i ignore them? Or should i just focus on my other set of friends? I don’t know. Such a shame. I thought we were all good. I really thought we were all okay at handling things and relationships, turns out, THERE WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS BE AN OPTION FOR SOME PEOPLE WHETHER TO CHOOSE THEIR FRIENDS OR THEIR LOVER. And I am disappointed that they make me feel like they chose the second one. I mean, why do I care right, it’s their life and i cant do anything about it. Am i overreacting to all of this? Ugh i even asked my friend if she feels the same way and she answered me with a solid YES. I just hope things will get back to normal, you know.

But now it just feels like i’m torn between being tired about all of it or I am really starting to hate them. I dont know. They forgot about me, they forgot about some of us. Hi hello. I miss you friends.

Something

All of this, it’s overwhelming. I never really knew this story before. Probably one of the best stories of my life which I never knew existed. 

It’s touching and inspiring. 

I will put them all into detail someday. I just can’t hold all of my emotions right now. I don’t know what to say or how to react with all of this. It’s such a lovely story to brighten up my gloomy days. 

Thank you. Just.. thank you.

Rough week

Things have been hard for me and I don’t really know how that started. 

I finished synthesis last Monday and was definitely energized for the break. Didn’t really thought it would turn out to be like this. I reserved my whole week, thinking maybe my friends would plan something out. Or maybe a little reunion from my highschool buddies. Well, you see, since highschool, I am the one who organize or maybe invite friends to something. I am, the first step. (Too much confidence for me to say that, but fuck yes I am.)

But honestly, it’s not fun to check everyone’s schedule to see if they’re free. It’s not fun to organize something, thinking that some people won’t be able to go because they have their exams, etc. I do it all because I just really miss them and I want to be with them for chrissake. But really, I am sick and tired of being the “organizer”. It’s as if something would not happen if I won’t initiate on making it happen.

So, what I did, I just waited for them to text me, maybe “hey, you doin something tmrw? let’s hangout” or something… but no, I did not receive any fucking text. I am telling you, for the past few days, I could’ve died because of boredom.

Sad thing is that, I was online. And I saw these tweets about them hanging out earlier, or the day before.. without me. Without even bothering to ask/text me — IF I AM BUSY, IF I’M IN MANILA, IF I’M ALIVE, ETC.

And oh, their famous excuse: BIGLAAN EH. or maybe “parehas kasi kaming nasa Makati.” blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Kind of depressing actually, how life slaps you in the face, telling you that life really is unfair. So what the fuck, I don’t want to feel bad so I texted them if they’re busy because I want to watch this movie. And they were all “Sorry I can’t” or “I’ve seen that movie already.” Like what the fuck you guys, NAKAKATAMPO KAYO PUTA.

Well anyway, I just have to let this out. I don’t want this to be the reason of some gap, or something. Whatever. They probably know me by now that they would know that I am not mad. Just really, really disappointed. 

Also, aside from this one, I got a whole lot of issues about this week. And I can’t fucking put them into detail. I hate this week. 

It calms me to see you walk down the street every morning, with your hair all damped from a very refreshing bath. When all I hoped for was to walk with you and to tell you you’re perfect. 

It calms me to see you smile and blink and laugh and be alive. That whatever you do is magic, that I get jealous of the fact that you can make everyone fall in love with you, without getting them hurt.

It calms me when I know we share the same air, we share the same planet. That you are so close, too close to me. That for a million hopes and wishes, maybe I could have a chance. It calms me when I know you know me. That I am able to be with you, to know your name. That there are billions of people around the world, and you and I had the chance to get together. 

I know, I know, I am insane. I am insane to even think that there will be a love between you and me. I am insane, but it calms me to even think about you. You, yes you. You make me calm. 

She lay down on the floor and its cold texture touched her skin. She stared at the ceiling and listened to the music. Her favorite part started.. she stood up, tip-toed, her hands pointing to the ceiling, closed her eyes, and swayed along with the music. She was alone, but the whole room danced with her. The curtains, the wind, and all that is left unseen. They were all amazed.

Playing the music really loud so I could sing my heart out.
Just got home and I am emotionally unstable.

I am planning on shutting my emotions down later.
This will be the end of it. I hope. 

See you in my dreams, sweet one. That you may take me to the clouds and we lay beside the sun. See you in my dreams where the stars turn into diamonds and fire can be touched, angels sing and the wind blows calm.

See you in my dreams, sweet one. For in dreams, we exist.

Who would have thought that we’d be together this way.

Who would have the idea that we will meet each other inside a tricycle on our way home. That you will have the guts to ask my name, and say that maybe you’ll visit me some time. Who would’ve thought that I’ll meet a guy who lives in the same village as me, and will later on love and care for me. When maybe we have been seeing each other for the past years and we just didn’t realize that we’re meant to be.. or maybe we’re with someone else. 

Who would have thought of such a wonderful, obvious, but unexpected story. 

Well, whatever or whoever it is.. Thank you.
This is probably not the end of the story, but I am thankful that it started. 

It’s weird listening to music you used to listen to when you’re sad.

When you listen to them, not just hear them. Deep down the song’s lyrics, until you understand why is it even composed, or sung. 

I have them all on my phone. I hear them everyday. While taking a bath, going to school, going home. But I barely recall the feeling that once filled me when I used to listen to them.. not until now.

I thought maybe it’s a good idea to play some music to help me sleep. I played some tracks on a specific playlist. And for the first time in a very long time, I remembered the feeling. 

I remember listening to Not Like The Movies by Katy Perry when I was walking home, from a very bad day because I received a very bad news. I remember crying in front of the computer listening to Safetysuit’s Anywhere But Here.

I recall the day I discovered the song Fix You by Coldplay when this guy from Tumblr simply linked the song to me to make me feel better after publishing a very sad post.

I remembered everything.

All the reasons why I even downloaded/liked those songs. Why I listened, and continue to listen to them.

It’s kind of like.. sensing the past. Being able to go back to your past feelings, or past emotions.. through music.

I hope music has a way of predicting the future, too.

Or maybe when you meet someone, I hope there is a way of maybe, life will tell you, “hey, you’re going to fall in love with that person, be careful, he’s going to hurt you.” stuff like that.

It’s just so depressing. How my life turned out to be like this. 
It’s depressing to know that I could’ve done better, but I didn’t. Or I could have just not let my emotions think for me. It’s sad.

We were both too lonely to care about things. That we’re unable to comprehend anything. We were too lonely to think of happiness as a choice, that it made everyday a living hell, and it still seemed normal.

We were both too lonely to notice the good things — a good night sleep, or the fact that we’re surviving. The sadness serves as a shield from all things good. And we’re comfortable inside it.

We were both too lonely that we didn’t notice.. you and me are meant to be.